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One fifth of divorces wrongly ending up in court

Updated: Jul 27, 2022

Too many divorce cases are going to court and the language used there is too hostile, a leading judge has said.

I so wish struggling couples would seek help more readily and sooner for their relationship problems. The vast majority of them are not legal problems and could be resolved without recourse to the courts, where the language used and the environment only make the situation worse.

As a divorce coach and former divorce lawyer, I know the cost of therapy, coaching or mediation is far less in emotional, financial and time resources than lawyers and litigation. It may not be modern or politically correct to say it, but children of the relationship do suffer, whatever their age, even when they are adult children.

Unless you have done your own work you’re likely to end your relationship and repeat those same patterns in your next with all the extra problems of still dealing with the emotional mess of the former.

Obviously, I’m talking about relationships where there isn’t abuse of any sort. Rather the ones where couples need new skills, new awareness and some reframing.

Sometimes leaving is absolutely the right thing to do. I’m definitely not suggesting anyone stay in a loveless marriage where someone is controlling and emotionally abusive when you have tried and still nothing changes. Our children learn from watching us and it’s crucial to be able to model what a healthy relationship looks like.

Having said that, most marriages or long term relationships (including my own!) go through multiple rough patches where the parties will be asking themselves “Is this really worth it?” Sometimes, they answer ‘no’ and call a lawyer when a period of outside impartial therapy or coaching could make a significant difference. That difference might mean staying together and functioning better, or having a smoother, less acrimonious and, in all likelihood, less costly separation.

If you don't feel counselling or coaching with your partner is right for you at this point, I often see individuals who want to explore their problems in their relationship. This can often work as well as relationship counselling to give you the clarity you need, feel more in control and to move on a stuck frustrating relationship that might have been going round in circles for years.

The earlier you get somebody like myself involved the better. I will help you understand your relationship, so, if you do have to seek help from lawyers, you will know what you want and what your needs are.

Email or call me for an informal chat to discuss the benefits of relationship therapy or coaching.

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